Solitude In Shadow
by Clez
Summary: Set moments after Daniel ascended in Meridian. Sam attempts to deal with the loss.


Unable to stand the presence of even her father, who had intended for the remainder of his visit to be comforting, she had bid him a quiet withdrawn farewell, and retreated to a much more secluded and private corner of the base. Her on-base quarters. They weren't the best accommodations, but they did their job in providing a peaceful haven when one needed to rest, think... or mourn.  
  
"Why did you have to go?" she sobbed into her pillow in a small voice, a rather impressive lump forming in her throat suddenly, one that had been denied to surface since she had seen that all too familiar flat- line present itself on the heart monitor.  
  
She knew she would not receive a response... how could she? He was gone, forever, and she knew that. There was no way for her to ever talk to him again, embrace him, or see that confused and innocent look on his face she had loved. It had always brought a smile to her face.  
  
"Why did you have to die?" came the next almost inaudible mumble of sorrowful inquiry, her pillow quickly soaking with tears of lamentation. She rose up her head, and dragged her body with it, now feeling so incredibly heavy that she thought she might never be able to stand again, and sat herself on the edge of her bed.  
  
Daniel Jackson had been a part of her, undoubtedly, and one surely could have told that from simply looking at the incredible sense of satisfaction the two had received at being in each other's presence. They had shared laughter, tears and moments of inexplicably sensitive silence, wherein such unrivalled emotions had been shared with a simple look, a touch or even something so uncomplicated as a smile.  
  
"Don't you understand?" she inquired of the darkness that hovered around her protectively, encompassing her in her own bubble of sadness. "I loved you. What am I going to do... without you?"  
  
Another sob escaped her throat, and she felt all hold on a tough exterior break and shatter like weakened glass, falling in a rain of years of torture and woe built up to represent a shield, now destroyed. It fell all around her with the darkness, and she collapsed off the bed, great bursts of sobbing robbing her of any other feasible action other than that which she made.  
  
She beat the side of her fist on the floor weakly, her strength dwindling into something much more pathetic and similar to that of a small child. She felt helpless, unable to prevent the images that coursed through her aching skull, each throb threatening to tear everything she was apart at the seams until she was nothing more than a snivelling wreck, a shell of what she knew herself to be in reality.  
  
Feeling the sobs subside for a while, she took the opportunity to catch her breath. She hadn't really had a chance since... well, she didn't need to remind herself again of the last twenty-four hours. None of them did. They all felt the huge blow that had been dealt. They had all reacted a little differently, but the same sorrow was emanating from everything and everyone at the loss of such a valuable member of their organisation.  
  
Such a valuable friend.  
  
"Why now? I needed you," she mumbled quietly, taking her time, her words spoken only to shadow and outlines of bland furniture that held no meaning for her.  
  
She had thought of going to Daniel's office, but the image of herself breaking down in such a public place was too hard to bear. She would have drawn too much attention to her obvious weakness in the face of such tragedy.  
  
Ever since her mother had passed, she had never really been able to deal with the loss of a close one. No matter who they were, if she loved them, then they were a part of her, and nothing could change that. But now there was a hole, a great chasm that had been torn open inside of her, pulling everything of her being into it.  
  
He had only been gone an hour.  
  
This was too much to take... she wished she had the willpower to walk right into that office, sit in that chair where he had spent so much of his time intimately translating alien languages, deciphering new hieroglyphs, or just enjoying some classical music with a good book and a steaming cup of coffee.  
  
"There was so much I didn't get a chance to say, or ask," she admitted to the one she knew no longer existed, feeling a great force tugging at her heart and soul at the words spoken. She had never really known everything about her best friend, the other half of her conscience so to speak, and she hated herself for that.  
  
She hated the ones who had taken him from her.  
  
Her head was in such a mess, and as she reached up to wipe away the tears, she clambered back up onto the mattress of the bed. Sitting on it gently, she felt the shivers wrack her form, and hugged her arms close to her tightly to try to keep some heat around herself, failing in the attempt. That in itself was depressing.  
  
The tears came again at the memory of seeing someone so strong and noble lying so still and lifeless, bandaged from head to toe, everything that made him who he was hidden from the outside world.  
  
She didn't really want to blame anyone, but she knew it was just because it relieved some of the pain to do just that... and she blamed Kelowna and its people for their narrow-minded ideas of 'peace', and their thoughts that creating a weapon of mass destruction was the way to go about achieving such 'peace' on their world.  
  
If he hadn't have come through that wormhole with that box and the truth, she imagined herself hating Jonas Quinn right about now, yelling at him in a rage... and then breaking down so that he could see what she had been reduced to.  
  
Her father would have told her not to cry, to be strong in the face of such loss and toil. She cared nothing for such beliefs now. She was doing as she wished... and what she wished was to let it all spill out over the edges of her defences and present itself to this darkness.  
  
She heard the sound of Jack's voice in her head again; his words slow and echoing hauntingly as he said, "Just let him go."  
  
How could he have said that? He had known Daniel longer than anyone, and had been a close friend of his. How had he so carelessly thrown away something so precious and pure and innocent? Without knowing it, Colonel O'Neill had destroyed a part of his second in command in the process of ending Daniel's life in what he would probably call an act of compassion.  
  
Rage and fury taking the place of wallowing self-pity and sorrow, she felt her hand reach out suddenly and mercilessly, taking a firm and confident grip on something on her cabinet, and hurl it with a scream that released so much of the emotion pent up inside that she felt a great weight lifted as she heard the smash, and tinkle of glass as it tumbled to the floor unhindered.  
  
Trembling slightly, she reached over, and flicked on her lamp, seeing the broken form of a water glass lying in clear pieces on the floor across the room, beads of moisture residing on the remaining shards. It glinted slightly in the glow, and she took a breath, staring at the light of the bulb until her eyes hurt with the effort of keeping them open.  
  
Running her hand over the button, she felt more than saw the light diminish and fail, disappearing, allowing her to retreat once again into comforting shadow.  
  
A knock sounded at her door, accompanied by an unfamiliar gentle voice asking, "Are you alright, Major?"  
  
An airman, she realised, and replied half-heartedly, staring into nothingness ahead, "I'm fine. Everything's fine."  
  
She heard the retreat of booted feet, and let her eyes sink, until eventually they were closed. Her body tipped, and she felt her entire weight crashing to the mattress, her energy depleted and altogether exhausted.  
  
Cold, she told herself, and tugged at the scratchy Air Force blankets until they were wrapped around her like a cocoon. She sighed plainly, hearing the sound of her own gentle heartbeat as she slowly fell into painless and untormented sleep.  
  
As her last moments of consciousness seeped into the shadows of dream, she heard three soft and comforting words whispered into her ear, the voice soothing, the breath gentle enough to pass the words but not disturb her hair as she lay there motionless.  
  
"I love you." 


End file.
